Batman vs Superman Dawn of Justice Movie Review by Hugo Guzman
Of all the opinions I’ve heard regarding Zack Snyder’s most recent attempt at movie-making, there’s one that keeps standing out to me:
“I liked some of it, but I really hated other parts! It’s just all over the place — It’s really weird.”
“Weird” is a beautiful word. It describes uncertainty, strangeness and that quiet kid who sits in the back of the classroom. Why is he such a loner? Does he take pictures of girls in the locker-room? He has a bit of a stutter, so maybe he’s just shy and awkward. But you can’t be sure — what if he follows you home at night and guts you like a pig??
Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice is that weird kid. And here are all the ways it followed us home at night, and gutted us. Like pigs.
The CGI
Let’s get this out of the way first. It looked like a goddamn PS3 cutscene.
“WHAT ARE THOOOOOOSE?” — Me, when CGI like this shows up.
The absolute worst moment in the film was the Batmobile chase, when it shoots its way out of a goddamn boat, right after violating the laws of physics and tossing some cars around like toys. I wouldn’t be surprised if Snyder actually had a toy Batmobile he used while planning this scene.
It was painful to watch so much emphasis being put into the style and design of the film, and see it get shredded in only a few short seconds. CGI was used to place the camera in the middle of the action, except Snyder forgot that you can’t be that close to the action if your action is computer generated. But it wasn’t the biggest problem on-camera…
The Dream Sequences
When young Bruce Wayne (played by the now-legendary Ben Affleck) flew into the air, surrounded by a cloud of bats, I knew this was going to be a different kind of movie. And boy was I right!
BvS is heavy with dream sequences. From the opening scene, which shows us the birth of Batman, to Clark Kent (Henry Cavill) and his touching reunion with Pa Kent (touching despite Kevin Costner’s wood f***ing face), sleep is no rest for the heroes of this film, which fits perfectly with its epic and mythological feel.
Or, it would fit, if those sequences weren’t so weird.
That opening scene was completely left-field. There’s no implication that Bruce is dreaming, and I’m still a bit convinced that Bruce Wayne can f***ing fly, guys. Bruce’s later dream involving a bat-demon-thing popping out of his mom’s grave is a fantastic little jump scare in a movie that has no need for them. Even the aforementioned Father-Son Reunion was marred by shoddy camera work — Michael J Fox shakes less than the camera in that scene.
And then there’s what I’ve come to call “Desert Bat”.
Desert Bat
Bruce is fighting marines! Who worship Superman! And f***ing Darkseid is helping them! Parademons show up — That’s cool, right? This dream sequence is a giant homage to the Injustice series, that sees Batman fighting a power-mad and heart-broken Superman. A lot of work was put into this sequence, but it doesn’t fit the movie. When it started, Joey (Co-host of CASUALties) and I just glanced at each other. “What the hell is going on?”
I actually loved this scene, but I love Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody too. It would be very weird to stick that anywhere near my capes**t films.
Bishmillah, NO! I will not let this go!
The Dialog
The way people talked was just funny.
The first hint things would go south quick was also one of the first lines of the film. Something about a dream… and bats showing him beautiful things? A confusing end to a confusing scene, that’s for sure. But like I said — this was just a taste of things to come.
Every scene involving Lex Luthor (Jesse Eisenberg) and his senatorial adversaries was just weird. They talked in monologues. They started conversations that went absolutely nowhere. They interrupted each other to go on bizarre tangents about peach tea and piss. At one point, Luthor feeds an old man some Jolly Ranchers. None of it made sense.
The best line came from Senator Julie Finch (Holly Hunter). When she spoke to Luthor before the courtroom hearing scene…
“I grew up on a farm… I KNOW HOW TO WRESTLE A PIG.”
The face of a woman who has wrestled a pig.
The Journalists
Most casual CASUALties followers might not know this, but I’m actually a journalist. At least, that’s what I tell girls I go out with… And my college professors… And my parents.
That’s why I had to restrain myself when ace reporter Lois Lane (Amy Adams) dropped this bombshell in one of the first scenes of the movie.
“Are you a terrorist, General?”
“Oh my god, Lois!! You can’t just ask someone if they’re a terrorist!”
Snyder seems to have read Lane’s description as an “ace reporter” and thought it meant “person with a death wish.” She later bullies and cajoles the Secretary of Defense into giving her state secrets, and demands free flights and helicopters into active battlefields from her editor for no particular reason except that she’s Lois Lane, ace reporter. If I were Perry White (fantastically played by Laurence Fishburne), I would tell her to go writer for Buzzfeed. I’d writer her a goddamn letter of recommendation.
Honorable mention: Secret Agent Jimmy Olsen (Michael Cassidy), who Snyder added to this film just so he could make him into a CIA operative (Was he CIA? Was he LexCorp? WE NEVER KNOW!) just to kill him off moments later.
Lois Lane
No, I’m not done!
Lois Lane seems to regard her press badge as a permission slip to do anything she wants, no matter how stupid. Why does she try and dispose of the Kryptonite Spear when it’s clear that Batman and Superman are friends now? Why does she then try to rescue the Spear, and nearly get her ass killed? Why does she just go to Gotham, where Batman and Superman are fighting? Why does she make insane demands of government personnel?
“I’m a journalist! I’m being paid to be an idiot!”
It’s just weird, but maybe I’m being too hard on Lois. After all, I know the thrill of the story, and I can’t say I’ve never asked someone if they were a terrorist.
My big problem with Lane is that she’s not allowed to shine. She’s meant to be an idiot. Zack Snyder doesn’t give a flying fuck about the story, or journalistic integrity, or even just portraying Lois Lane as remotely competent.
He’s only interested in her ability to move the plot forward. Of course she tosses the Spear into the water — It adds conflict! Of course Superman has to rescue her — How else would we get him on-screen?? Even her big story — About how LexCorp is setting up Superman to take the fall for murders in the desert (which, in a just world with decent writing, would be considered a key element of the story), is just a means to an end. That end is always Superman.
It’s lazy directing on Snyder’s part, and that’s about to become a running theme in this movie.
Lex Luthor
Jesse Eisenberg holds a special place in my heart, a very warm and fuzzy place. Kristen Stewart is there. And she brought weed!
Pictured: Kristen Stewart, upon realizing Jesse Eisenberg’s character in American Ultra is in the wrong movie.
I just wish Jesse Eisenberg had stayed home with the lovely Stoner Stewart, and we had gotten Lex Luthor to show up in BvS! Where was Lex Luthor?!
Jesse Eisenberg plays Luthor the way he plays every character: as a bumbling, stuttering hipster who really needs to chill out. You could literally just watch 2013’s The Double, add a touch of malevolence to Eisenberg’s shy and awkward character, and you would have Lex Luthor. In fact, it wouldn’t be a stretch to say that if BvS really was a weird and quiet kid in the back of a classroom, he would be played by Jesse Eisenberg.
Did Snyder even do any directing here?
The References
He didn’t have to do any directing — Zack Snyder knows capes**t fans are no better than crack whores when it comes to self-control, and visual references are our cocaine. I love easter eggs like these as much as the next guy, especially when they’re as brilliantly done as every visual reference involving Batman. Once again, the caped crusader steals the show.
I may or may not have creamed my pants when this happened.
But visuals fall totally flat when they involve anyone besides Batfleck. Superman goes full Grant Morrison, with nearly every dramatic shot constructed to make him look like Jesus — even after he’s dead (this film premiered on Good Friday, after all). The shot of Lois Lane cradling his dead body was lifted wholesale from depictions of Christ being lowered from the cross, and like in Man of Steel, it just doesn’t work. It looks corny and ham-fisted. Our weird and quiet kid in the back of the class might be a Jesus-freak, guys!
The most glaring reference misstep was the Death of Superman sequences. Where was the iconic shot of Superman’s cape flying in the wind? In a movie that tries too hard to beat you over the head with visual references, I can’t help but think that Snyder just didn’t do his research.
The Plot
I don’t mean the plot of the entire movie. I could write an entire doctoral thesis on how hare-brained the entire story was. What was actually happening in a scene was just weird sometimes.
There’s Lex Luthor and his Jolly Ranchers, the Flash shows up during a dream sequence, Secret Agent Jimmy Olson, Wonder Woman’s motivation boils down to “He’s got my selfie!!”, Doomsday somehow requiring Luthor’s blood, and Luthor showing up at the Senate hearing just to kill his assistant and troll Holly Hunter.... With a jar of piss.
I could go on. And I will! Why does Superman call his mother by her first name? Why does he just walk menacingly towards Batman, instead of explaining the situation? Why does Bruce Wayne need to go to a different party in order to confront Wonder Woman about stealing his flash drive? Also, who was that girl sleeping with Bruce? When Bruce goes to steal the kryptonite, why does he just murder people for doing their jobs and trying to stop him? Those men had families.
The most glaring example was Superman’s heroic poorly thought-out sacrifice. After Lois Lane tries to rescue the Kryptonite Spear (and utterly fails, as God-Snyder demands it), Superman saves her, recovers the spear, and goes to impale Doomsday with it.
Even though Lois flat-out tells him that’s a terrible idea.
Why does he do it anyway, despite the fact that he can barely fly? Why does he get so close to Doomsday? Why didn’t he just throw it? Why didn’t he stick him in the back with it? Why didn’t he give it to Wonder Woman? Why did Bruce just f***ing stand there.
No, I don’t care that being an idiot is “completely within character.” That’s a sh***y character. This movie could have been called “Lois and Superman: Dawn of Idiocy” and it would be accurate. It was Snyder’s duty to give his characters great motivations. Give them actual intelligence and reasons. He didn’t do that. He and the writers allowed the characters of BvS to be complete numbskulls, and that’s what drives the plot forward.
Zack Snyder straight up didn’t care about making a great movie. He just took his toys, smashed them together for a few hours, and called it a day. And if I was sitting in a classroom, with a kid doing that sitting in the back row, there’s only one word I could use to describe the situation:
Weird.
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